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Quick Update

Mercury retrograde has not killed me yet. We’ve got a few more days left to survive and then we are in the clear! I just checked this morning and we’re all supposed to be normal again on Sunday.

The earth just keeps spinning….

I finally finished Rich’s recommendation letter yesterday. Wow, that was a process! I stressed myself out to the max trying to come up with words for someone that has done so much for me. In the end it was simple, direct, and honest and I am satisfied. I hope he gets the job.

I have a confession to make: I’m a big fat sinner. It’s been 11 degrees at my house and I was freezing, so I used my space heater. I’m dying over here, though! Mom came downstairs and called me out for being a phony wuss who can’t handle a little cold (a little cold!?). I put it back in my closet and I will try not to relapse again…

Work has been very busy and I’ve made a lot of sugah and I plan on using it to travel. I need to get out of here, even if it’s only for a little bit. Trevor (old friend who lives in town) wants to go to China and we found $400 round-trip tickets the other day. I like the idea, but we have not dropped any money. The visa is very expensive and it is holding us back.

Off to work!

xo

 

 

 

 

SHE DON’T READ.

In attempt to get my name know down the I-5 corridor, I booked venues all over the area. Turns out that even though I’m trying to get my papered thoughts out there, I can’t read for a damn.

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I booked a reading at the Palisades Cafe in Mt. Vernon for Wednesday night, July 6. I pitched Joe, the guy who organizes the event, a short essay. He wrote back with an enthusiastic response, so I booked the reading right away.

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Naturally, I posted on Facebook like some big phony celebrity that I was preforming in Mt. Vernon. I had all these messages comin’ through:

My friend Rowan from my creative writing class tagged along. Three girls I traveled Southeast Asia with this past winter also squeezed into my car. I drove and it was sunny and we were all having a great time.

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10 minutes before we got to Mt. Vernon, I asked Maria if she could plug in the address of the venue into my phone. Maria couldn’t pull up the damn address for the life of her. She kept saying, “Hannah, it says it’s in Iowa!”

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Turns out Maria was right and we were about a three days drive away from the venue. I had a gut feeling that we were going to be late…….

So here we were all together, shoved into my little car with no chance of escaping the reality I had created. Here I am with an ant-sized following and I already need an assistant.

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The only thing I could think of was that I needed a beer.

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I asked if anyone had ever been to La Conner and most of them said no, so I swerved off the freeway and skidded over to La Conner Brewing Company.

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When we got to La Conner Brewing Company, I was ready for a drink. Boy, was I ready for a drink. It took about 20 minutes for the damn waitress to stop being a big sack of potatoes before she asked me if I wanted a beer. She was awful. Boy, was she awful. She was just about the most awful server I ever had. After we put in our drink orders, it took another 20 minutes to get them poured. Normally I would have said something, but I wasn’t in the mood to turn my fire on. The fact that I had booked a venue in Iowa was enough water to put that out for the night.

beer.

I ordered something vegetarian again. Mushroom pizza. I don’t know what’s getting into me lately. When I got home, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and really questioned who I was becoming.

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Harvey says I’m a closet vegetarian.

Harvey

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After the waitress finally came back with our checks, I tipped her the lowest amount I have ever tipped anybody. I didn’t feel bad about it either.

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She really was awful. She hung out by the bar most of the night. She gave us stink eye when we gave her encouraging, puppy-dog eyes.

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I wonder what she’ll do with the potatoes. Is she a masher? Roaster? Fryer? I bet she’s a masher. She seemed pretty angry anyone was even in the restaurant. I bet she went home and mashed all those potatoes together and didn’t even add butter to them. That’s how stinkin’ lazy she was.

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I wrote Joe an email apologizing for my absence and I told him if I ever become a phony hot shot or I’m ever around Mt. Vernon, Iowa, I would love to do a reading at the Palisades Cafe. Joe also told me he wondered where I was, but didn’t care too much. In the end, my inquiry caused Joe to ask a few other writers to preform their work. He told me it got the cycle spinnin’ again in the good ol’ town of Mt. Vernon, Iowa!

Until next time,

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Happy Birthday, Mary (Eliza)Beth!

I am wishing my mother, Mary (Eliza)Beth a very happy double nickel! You’re probably wondering who raised this nutcase, so here’s an appreciation post for my mother.

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Mom used to tell me stories of growing up in the catholic church. Like a good catholic, Mom’s name is Mary Elizabeth which means that everyone used to call her “Mary Beth.”

My mother is not a Mary Beth.

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I think it’s safe to say that I would have serious mommy issues if my mother was an actual Mary Beth.

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Mom turns the double nickel today! I can’t believe it, she looks so good. I’m not just saying that because it’s her birthday, but she really works hard to stay happy and healthy. She’s always putting a positive spin on things and sometimes that really ticks me off because sometimes I just want her to listen to me bitch.

I don’t even know how I am my mother’s daughter. Mom gets embarrassed because I don’t have a filter on me. I just say things as I see them. She tried to teach me, she really did.

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My mother is a saint. I remember this one time when I was helping her in the garden and she left me unsupervised for a whole 10 minutes to make lunch. She told me to weed the beds, so when I saw these big, ugly weeds in the farthest bed, I went straight over to it and began digging and jumpin’ all over my shovel. Boy, those weeds were strong suckers! I must have looked crazy jumpin’ all over my shovel like that.

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Yeah, I really fucked that one up. I had destroyed over 60% of my mother’s asparagus crop that had been growing for three years in a matter of a few sweaty minutes. You know what Mom said after frantically informing me of my destruction? She told me “Thanks for being such a good helper! Now it’s time to eat those grilled cheese sandwiches.”

I asked Mom why she didn’t tear my arms off after that incident. She said “How could I? You were just trying to help.”

If you don’t think my mother is a saint after that, you must be a little delusional. I’ll never be as nice as her. If I caught my kid diggin’ up all my asparagus, I would take that shovel and knock them against the head with it.

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Happy Birthday Mom. Thank you for always attempting to teach me your kindhearted ways no matter how many times I fail. You are truly a standout woman and I am blessed to have such a rockin’ lady in my life. Here’s to you.

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