veganism

Quick Update

Mercury retrograde has not killed me yet. We’ve got a few more days left to survive and then we are in the clear! I just checked this morning and we’re all supposed to be normal again on Sunday.

The earth just keeps spinning….

I finally finished Rich’s recommendation letter yesterday. Wow, that was a process! I stressed myself out to the max trying to come up with words for someone that has done so much for me. In the end it was simple, direct, and honest and I am satisfied. I hope he gets the job.

I have a confession to make: I’m a big fat sinner. It’s been 11 degrees at my house and I was freezing, so I used my space heater. I’m dying over here, though! Mom came downstairs and called me out for being a phony wuss who can’t handle a little cold (a little cold!?). I put it back in my closet and I will try not to relapse again…

Work has been very busy and I’ve made a lot of sugah and I plan on using it to travel. I need to get out of here, even if it’s only for a little bit. Trevor (old friend who lives in town) wants to go to China and we found $400 round-trip tickets the other day. I like the idea, but we have not dropped any money. The visa is very expensive and it is holding us back.

Off to work!

xo

 

 

 

 

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SHE DON’T READ.

In attempt to get my name know down the I-5 corridor, I booked venues all over the area. Turns out that even though I’m trying to get my papered thoughts out there, I can’t read for a damn.

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I booked a reading at the Palisades Cafe in Mt. Vernon for Wednesday night, July 6. I pitched Joe, the guy who organizes the event, a short essay. He wrote back with an enthusiastic response, so I booked the reading right away.

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Naturally, I posted on Facebook like some big phony celebrity that I was preforming in Mt. Vernon. I had all these messages comin’ through:

My friend Rowan from my creative writing class tagged along. Three girls I traveled Southeast Asia with this past winter also squeezed into my car. I drove and it was sunny and we were all having a great time.

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10 minutes before we got to Mt. Vernon, I asked Maria if she could plug in the address of the venue into my phone. Maria couldn’t pull up the damn address for the life of her. She kept saying, “Hannah, it says it’s in Iowa!”

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Turns out Maria was right and we were about a three days drive away from the venue. I had a gut feeling that we were going to be late…….

So here we were all together, shoved into my little car with no chance of escaping the reality I had created. Here I am with an ant-sized following and I already need an assistant.

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The only thing I could think of was that I needed a beer.

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I asked if anyone had ever been to La Conner and most of them said no, so I swerved off the freeway and skidded over to La Conner Brewing Company.

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When we got to La Conner Brewing Company, I was ready for a drink. Boy, was I ready for a drink. It took about 20 minutes for the damn waitress to stop being a big sack of potatoes before she asked me if I wanted a beer. She was awful. Boy, was she awful. She was just about the most awful server I ever had. After we put in our drink orders, it took another 20 minutes to get them poured. Normally I would have said something, but I wasn’t in the mood to turn my fire on. The fact that I had booked a venue in Iowa was enough water to put that out for the night.

beer.

I ordered something vegetarian again. Mushroom pizza. I don’t know what’s getting into me lately. When I got home, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and really questioned who I was becoming.

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Harvey says I’m a closet vegetarian.

Harvey

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After the waitress finally came back with our checks, I tipped her the lowest amount I have ever tipped anybody. I didn’t feel bad about it either.

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She really was awful. She hung out by the bar most of the night. She gave us stink eye when we gave her encouraging, puppy-dog eyes.

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I wonder what she’ll do with the potatoes. Is she a masher? Roaster? Fryer? I bet she’s a masher. She seemed pretty angry anyone was even in the restaurant. I bet she went home and mashed all those potatoes together and didn’t even add butter to them. That’s how stinkin’ lazy she was.

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I wrote Joe an email apologizing for my absence and I told him if I ever become a phony hot shot or I’m ever around Mt. Vernon, Iowa, I would love to do a reading at the Palisades Cafe. Joe also told me he wondered where I was, but didn’t care too much. In the end, my inquiry caused Joe to ask a few other writers to preform their work. He told me it got the cycle spinnin’ again in the good ol’ town of Mt. Vernon, Iowa!

Until next time,

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Happy Birthday, Mary (Eliza)Beth!

I am wishing my mother, Mary (Eliza)Beth a very happy double nickel! You’re probably wondering who raised this nutcase, so here’s an appreciation post for my mother.

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Mom used to tell me stories of growing up in the catholic church. Like a good catholic, Mom’s name is Mary Elizabeth which means that everyone used to call her “Mary Beth.”

My mother is not a Mary Beth.

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I think it’s safe to say that I would have serious mommy issues if my mother was an actual Mary Beth.

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Mom turns the double nickel today! I can’t believe it, she looks so good. I’m not just saying that because it’s her birthday, but she really works hard to stay happy and healthy. She’s always putting a positive spin on things and sometimes that really ticks me off because sometimes I just want her to listen to me bitch.

I don’t even know how I am my mother’s daughter. Mom gets embarrassed because I don’t have a filter on me. I just say things as I see them. She tried to teach me, she really did.

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My mother is a saint. I remember this one time when I was helping her in the garden and she left me unsupervised for a whole 10 minutes to make lunch. She told me to weed the beds, so when I saw these big, ugly weeds in the farthest bed, I went straight over to it and began digging and jumpin’ all over my shovel. Boy, those weeds were strong suckers! I must have looked crazy jumpin’ all over my shovel like that.

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Yeah, I really fucked that one up. I had destroyed over 60% of my mother’s asparagus crop that had been growing for three years in a matter of a few sweaty minutes. You know what Mom said after frantically informing me of my destruction? She told me “Thanks for being such a good helper! Now it’s time to eat those grilled cheese sandwiches.”

I asked Mom why she didn’t tear my arms off after that incident. She said “How could I? You were just trying to help.”

If you don’t think my mother is a saint after that, you must be a little delusional. I’ll never be as nice as her. If I caught my kid diggin’ up all my asparagus, I would take that shovel and knock them against the head with it.

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Happy Birthday Mom. Thank you for always attempting to teach me your kindhearted ways no matter how many times I fail. You are truly a standout woman and I am blessed to have such a rockin’ lady in my life. Here’s to you.

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Keep Dreamin’ Kid.

I went to my very first writer’s conference this weekend. Everyone said it was going to be intimidating and one giant ego-contest and they sure as hell were right!

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Getting into the writing and publishing industry is incredibly difficult, competitive, and highly unlikely of success. My perfect career, I love a good challenge!

A lot of people tell me not to get too excited about entering the industry. They tell me all the classics…HATERS!!!

I just fire back with more cheese.

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Truth is, everyone lives in fear. The only reason people try to tell me to steer clear of the industry is only to protect me. Really, thanks for the warning and I appreciate you trying to save me from all the hurt feelings I’m inevitably going to feel… but I’d rather put myself out there and see what can come of it before I end up living the rest of my life regretting that I never opened the door.

Last night, I preformed my very first public reading in downtown Fairhaven. Luckily, I had a small posse of supporters there to laugh just in case no one got my jokes… After a glass of wine and my brain settling into my story, I entered my personal world and it came alive. I can’t believe I’ve been so afraid to put a voice to the words all this time…

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Even if I don’t make a dime, I know that I am serving what makes me feel most alive. You never know how much time you got on this crazy little planet we live on… might as well engage in things that make you feel good.

cheers

 

Tiny, Stinkin’ Ugly Dog

My neighbor directly across from me has the ugliest dog. It’s so tiny and so stinkin’ ugly I want to punt it back to the strange world it came from. This morning it looked like it was carrying around a piece of shit in its mouth and I swear it was a legit piece of shit because that dog is an alien. I really wonder what was going through that family’s mind when they purchased that poor little gremlin. At least it doesn’t yap or anything, it just kind of roams their backyard with a piece of shit in its mouth. Alien food.

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I can only guess they named it something like Daisy or Dixie or some basic, small, yappy dog name. God it’s so ugly.

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I went back inside and Peter was still there. Peter has been staying at the Wildflower house for over 10 days now. I like Peter because he’s not Scott. Anyone but Scott. If you don’t remember Scott, read 2016, May Fifth. before you continue. Anyway, Peter is super nice and real hunky and I don’t mind if he sleeps on my couch for eternity.

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Leigh came to town this weekend. She’s another one of my “soul sisters” or whatever hippie crap I buy into that makes me want to put a label to our relationship. Leigh likes to call our relationship a “Karmic Connection” and sometimes this makes me want to vom and tell her to shut the fuck up, but I don’t because I am just as annoying with all that hippie crap as she is.

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Leigh talks in her sleep just as much as I do. One time we woke each other up having a Sims-like conversation of sleepy jabberings and we quickly realized we share the same nutty gift of being annoying as hell to all the peaceful sleepers. She’s my favorite cuddle bug and my super woman friend because we share the same quirky antics and I think our thoughts actually vibrate on the same level. It’s nice to be around someone who can be just as airy as me.

Leigh and I both like healthy food, but I’m just a big phony about it. I’m so lazy, I just eat salad. I know that’s a good thing, but I literally have zero cooking skills under my belt other than boiling noodles. A lot of people think I like to cook a lot, but I don’t. I know it’s super contradicting, but I could actually be a vegan based on how stinkin’ lazy I am in the kitchen.

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Peter’s got a big crush on Leigh and Leigh’s got a big crush on Peter. So I guess that makes me a matchmaker. It really worked out in my favor because Leigh said she wanted banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon one night and Peter woke up the next morning, went to the store, and made everyone banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. He didn’t skimp on the bacon part either. He got the thick kind that has a nice little pepper coat on the edges #keeper.

GREAT.

Anyway, Mom’s coming into town today and I am preparing for a writer’s conference this weekend. I’m such a hot shot and all the publishers are going to eat all my new work up. Lies! I’m just a big amateur and I don’t know what the heck I’m doing in the industry. Gotta start somewhere.

xo

 

 

 

Balls Out

Safeco

It was Greyson’s 23rd birthday and we got tickets to see the Mariners play the Minnesota Twins at Safeco Field in Seattle. It was my first time inside Safeco Field and the Mariners got completely destroyed. It wasn’t that much of a bummer.

Turns out Karl booked us a very expensive room right across from the stadium and so we got to pretend like we were a bunch of rich kids for a short amount of time. The hotel had complimentary apples and so I grabbed one and ate it and it tasted like watery cardboard.

Unfortunately, the hotel found the niche market and were probably trying to cater to all the vegans and people with made up food allergies.

Gluten Free

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What is Ken Jennings?

So right now, I am thinking about Jeopardy and how Ken Jenny is famous from that show. I wonder how many games of Jeopardy he actually won? I was thinking about researching him later to understand how the heck he won all those Jeopardy games in a row.

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So I just researched the real Ken Jennings. I’m not sure who Ken Jenny is in above paragraph^. Turns out he is from Edmonds, Washington! I could literally get in my car and drive to Ken Jennings’ hometown right now! Edmonds is south of me. It’s located in Snohomish County.

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