comedy

February 1, 2017

goodmorning

Good morning from Idaho! I flew back from Oklahoma on Monday and I’m in Idaho for exactly one more month until I leave on my next big adventure (!!). My visit with Margie was absolutely amazing. We did a lot of juice drinking, bone broth making, and soup pureeing. Margie has some health issues she’s been dealing with, so I went to go help her out a little bit and spend some quality time with her. We’re trying to get her healthy enough so we can go back to Hawaii, where we belong.

Slowly but surely we will get there!

paradise-2

Last Friday, Margie chopped off all my hair. I knew I wanted to cut my hair before leaving on my next travel, so I just let Margie do it because she used to be a hairdresser. We cut off 10 inches!! We looked on the Locks of Love website and their requirement to donate hair is 10 inches. I thought I might as well donate my hair if I wanted to chop it all off anyway, so Margie put my hair in a ponytail, measured 10 inches, and then went for it.

youlikeit

I have exactly 20 days left of hard work and then I am a free bird! Oh my gosh, I can’t even tell you how excited I am to feel free again. I am very much looking forward to the continuation of unraveling the puzzle that the world has in store for me.

I know I am driving everyone crazy by purposefully omitting information of where I’m going, but it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of research and creating a lot of top secret blog posts of the places I’ll be visiting.

New things coming your way shortly, but for now I have to go to work.

Make it a great day, everybody.

xo

 

 

 

 

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Quick Update

Mercury retrograde has not killed me yet. We’ve got a few more days left to survive and then we are in the clear! I just checked this morning and we’re all supposed to be normal again on Sunday.

The earth just keeps spinning….

I finally finished Rich’s recommendation letter yesterday. Wow, that was a process! I stressed myself out to the max trying to come up with words for someone that has done so much for me. In the end it was simple, direct, and honest and I am satisfied. I hope he gets the job.

I have a confession to make: I’m a big fat sinner. It’s been 11 degrees at my house and I was freezing, so I used my space heater. I’m dying over here, though! Mom came downstairs and called me out for being a phony wuss who can’t handle a little cold (a little cold!?). I put it back in my closet and I will try not to relapse again…

Work has been very busy and I’ve made a lot of sugah and I plan on using it to travel. I need to get out of here, even if it’s only for a little bit. Trevor (old friend who lives in town) wants to go to China and we found $400 round-trip tickets the other day. I like the idea, but we have not dropped any money. The visa is very expensive and it is holding us back.

Off to work!

xo

 

 

 

 

SHE DON’T READ.

In attempt to get my name know down the I-5 corridor, I booked venues all over the area. Turns out that even though I’m trying to get my papered thoughts out there, I can’t read for a damn.

1bear

111111

I booked a reading at the Palisades Cafe in Mt. Vernon for Wednesday night, July 6. I pitched Joe, the guy who organizes the event, a short essay. He wrote back with an enthusiastic response, so I booked the reading right away.

dude

Naturally, I posted on Facebook like some big phony celebrity that I was preforming in Mt. Vernon. I had all these messages comin’ through:

My friend Rowan from my creative writing class tagged along. Three girls I traveled Southeast Asia with this past winter also squeezed into my car. I drove and it was sunny and we were all having a great time.

carride

10 minutes before we got to Mt. Vernon, I asked Maria if she could plug in the address of the venue into my phone. Maria couldn’t pull up the damn address for the life of her. She kept saying, “Hannah, it says it’s in Iowa!”

iowa

Turns out Maria was right and we were about a three days drive away from the venue. I had a gut feeling that we were going to be late…….

So here we were all together, shoved into my little car with no chance of escaping the reality I had created. Here I am with an ant-sized following and I already need an assistant.

embarrassed

The only thing I could think of was that I needed a beer.

fuck1

I asked if anyone had ever been to La Conner and most of them said no, so I swerved off the freeway and skidded over to La Conner Brewing Company.

helpus!!!

When we got to La Conner Brewing Company, I was ready for a drink. Boy, was I ready for a drink. It took about 20 minutes for the damn waitress to stop being a big sack of potatoes before she asked me if I wanted a beer. She was awful. Boy, was she awful. She was just about the most awful server I ever had. After we put in our drink orders, it took another 20 minutes to get them poured. Normally I would have said something, but I wasn’t in the mood to turn my fire on. The fact that I had booked a venue in Iowa was enough water to put that out for the night.

beer.

I ordered something vegetarian again. Mushroom pizza. I don’t know what’s getting into me lately. When I got home, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and really questioned who I was becoming.

1whoamI?

Harvey says I’m a closet vegetarian.

Harvey

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After the waitress finally came back with our checks, I tipped her the lowest amount I have ever tipped anybody. I didn’t feel bad about it either.

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She really was awful. She hung out by the bar most of the night. She gave us stink eye when we gave her encouraging, puppy-dog eyes.

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I wonder what she’ll do with the potatoes. Is she a masher? Roaster? Fryer? I bet she’s a masher. She seemed pretty angry anyone was even in the restaurant. I bet she went home and mashed all those potatoes together and didn’t even add butter to them. That’s how stinkin’ lazy she was.

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I wrote Joe an email apologizing for my absence and I told him if I ever become a phony hot shot or I’m ever around Mt. Vernon, Iowa, I would love to do a reading at the Palisades Cafe. Joe also told me he wondered where I was, but didn’t care too much. In the end, my inquiry caused Joe to ask a few other writers to preform their work. He told me it got the cycle spinnin’ again in the good ol’ town of Mt. Vernon, Iowa!

Until next time,

palisades 1

 

Saturday, July 2nd.

On Saturday, Ellie and I spent three hours together but it felt like an eternity. Ellie is such an introverted extrovert—like me. We both can be social when we want to, but that usually isn’t the case. I love hanging out with her because I don’t have to pretend to be a big phony and woohoo about how great my life is even though sometimes I feel like it’s crumbling to pieces.

watching fraisier

I'mcomingover.

I spent $6 on a bag of peas at the farmer’s market. Yeah, I felt like a big piece of shit after that! Only rich, white people can afford that kind of crap. Farmer’s markets kind of piss me off. They’re just so goddamn expensive. I can’t help but go—that’s the really materialistic side of me. I love good, organic vegetables. It’s not like I’m a vegan or afraid of GMOs or anything. In fact I don’t really know that much about GMOs to have an honest to god conversation about it. But I think science is pretty cool and instead of being a crazy hippie about it, I actually want to know the science behind it before I release any of my bullshit opinions.

farmersmarket

We attempted to walk down to the port, but we only made it a few blocks past the farmer’s market before we got too stinkin’ lazy to walk any further. We sat smack dab in the middle of a bridge and ate blueberries that I had also purchased at the market. I only got peas and blueberries, for the record. I’m not that rich or anything. I told Ellie I didn’t even want to get the blueberries because I wanted to save them for my salads.I knew I didn’t have the self-control to not eat the entire pint right then and there. Turns out I don’t have self-control and I ate the entire pint. I barely shared any with Ellie.

cani?

onlyone?selfish

After that, we got pizza at Goat Mountain. They make their pizza on focaccia bread. It’s pretty good, but it’s not my absolute favorite. I don’t really have a favorite place to get pizza. To be honest, I’m not that big of a pizza connoisseur. I got the caramelized onion with arugula and I also got a slice of spicy veggie. Big eater. Ellie got the same caramelized onion and she also got a slice of sausage. I always regret it when I make vegetarian decisions. Even if I don’t particularly like sausage all that much, it really tastes good on pizza.

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We stopped by a glass shop and met this crazy lady who had a lot of energy that I didn’t know how to handle. She noticed I wasn’t wearing a bra so she attempted to begin a conversation about her pierced nipples. I didn’t really know what to say to her, so I tried to shift the conversation and offered her some of my expensive peas that I got at the market. I listened to little snippets of her story: she’s originally from Florida and loves smoking pot so she moved out west to join the cannabis industry. She started talking about her sister and when I asked questions about her, I used the feminine pronoun “she” and got chastised for it.

bralady

It seemed like everywhere we went, there were crazies. I swear, sometimes Bellingham gets struck with a bolt of crazy and the wolves run free. There was ‘Dude on Bike’ who looked like a very normal person—he really did—but then he started having this strange conversation with himself and Ellie and I just looked at each other and didn’t know what to think. Then there was a man who ran into the pizza place where we were eating and started talking strange to all the invisible people around us. Then there was a man who was twirling around in the streets, clearly fucked up on something. We thought after those interactions that it was enough social time with the world and it was time to revert back into our own minds.

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I went back home and finished “The Catcher in the Rye” for about the bazillionth time and fell in love over and over again with Holden Caulfield. He’s such a big piece of shit, like me. It’s nice to read a book where the protagonist intuits the world in a similar fashion as I do.

Stay safe out there today!

4th of july

 

Keep Dreamin’ Kid.

I went to my very first writer’s conference this weekend. Everyone said it was going to be intimidating and one giant ego-contest and they sure as hell were right!

chuckanut

Getting into the writing and publishing industry is incredibly difficult, competitive, and highly unlikely of success. My perfect career, I love a good challenge!

A lot of people tell me not to get too excited about entering the industry. They tell me all the classics…HATERS!!!

I just fire back with more cheese.

fire!1

 

Truth is, everyone lives in fear. The only reason people try to tell me to steer clear of the industry is only to protect me. Really, thanks for the warning and I appreciate you trying to save me from all the hurt feelings I’m inevitably going to feel… but I’d rather put myself out there and see what can come of it before I end up living the rest of my life regretting that I never opened the door.

Last night, I preformed my very first public reading in downtown Fairhaven. Luckily, I had a small posse of supporters there to laugh just in case no one got my jokes… After a glass of wine and my brain settling into my story, I entered my personal world and it came alive. I can’t believe I’ve been so afraid to put a voice to the words all this time…

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Even if I don’t make a dime, I know that I am serving what makes me feel most alive. You never know how much time you got on this crazy little planet we live on… might as well engage in things that make you feel good.

cheers

 

Tiny, Stinkin’ Ugly Dog

My neighbor directly across from me has the ugliest dog. It’s so tiny and so stinkin’ ugly I want to punt it back to the strange world it came from. This morning it looked like it was carrying around a piece of shit in its mouth and I swear it was a legit piece of shit because that dog is an alien. I really wonder what was going through that family’s mind when they purchased that poor little gremlin. At least it doesn’t yap or anything, it just kind of roams their backyard with a piece of shit in its mouth. Alien food.

tinystinkin

I can only guess they named it something like Daisy or Dixie or some basic, small, yappy dog name. God it’s so ugly.

aliendog

 

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I went back inside and Peter was still there. Peter has been staying at the Wildflower house for over 10 days now. I like Peter because he’s not Scott. Anyone but Scott. If you don’t remember Scott, read 2016, May Fifth. before you continue. Anyway, Peter is super nice and real hunky and I don’t mind if he sleeps on my couch for eternity.

scott

Leigh came to town this weekend. She’s another one of my “soul sisters” or whatever hippie crap I buy into that makes me want to put a label to our relationship. Leigh likes to call our relationship a “Karmic Connection” and sometimes this makes me want to vom and tell her to shut the fuck up, but I don’t because I am just as annoying with all that hippie crap as she is.

leighlibraaries

Leigh talks in her sleep just as much as I do. One time we woke each other up having a Sims-like conversation of sleepy jabberings and we quickly realized we share the same nutty gift of being annoying as hell to all the peaceful sleepers. She’s my favorite cuddle bug and my super woman friend because we share the same quirky antics and I think our thoughts actually vibrate on the same level. It’s nice to be around someone who can be just as airy as me.

Leigh and I both like healthy food, but I’m just a big phony about it. I’m so lazy, I just eat salad. I know that’s a good thing, but I literally have zero cooking skills under my belt other than boiling noodles. A lot of people think I like to cook a lot, but I don’t. I know it’s super contradicting, but I could actually be a vegan based on how stinkin’ lazy I am in the kitchen.

salAD

Peter’s got a big crush on Leigh and Leigh’s got a big crush on Peter. So I guess that makes me a matchmaker. It really worked out in my favor because Leigh said she wanted banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon one night and Peter woke up the next morning, went to the store, and made everyone banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. He didn’t skimp on the bacon part either. He got the thick kind that has a nice little pepper coat on the edges #keeper.

GREAT.

Anyway, Mom’s coming into town today and I am preparing for a writer’s conference this weekend. I’m such a hot shot and all the publishers are going to eat all my new work up. Lies! I’m just a big amateur and I don’t know what the heck I’m doing in the industry. Gotta start somewhere.

xo

 

 

 

Balls Out

Safeco

It was Greyson’s 23rd birthday and we got tickets to see the Mariners play the Minnesota Twins at Safeco Field in Seattle. It was my first time inside Safeco Field and the Mariners got completely destroyed. It wasn’t that much of a bummer.

Turns out Karl booked us a very expensive room right across from the stadium and so we got to pretend like we were a bunch of rich kids for a short amount of time. The hotel had complimentary apples and so I grabbed one and ate it and it tasted like watery cardboard.

Unfortunately, the hotel found the niche market and were probably trying to cater to all the vegans and people with made up food allergies.

Gluten Free

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What is Ken Jennings?

So right now, I am thinking about Jeopardy and how Ken Jenny is famous from that show. I wonder how many games of Jeopardy he actually won? I was thinking about researching him later to understand how the heck he won all those Jeopardy games in a row.

hi (1)

So I just researched the real Ken Jennings. I’m not sure who Ken Jenny is in above paragraph^. Turns out he is from Edmonds, Washington! I could literally get in my car and drive to Ken Jennings’ hometown right now! Edmonds is south of me. It’s located in Snohomish County.

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2016, May Fifth.

I woke up in my jeans.

That’s always an indication that I most definitely got a little too drunk and somehow found my bed.

I got home and found Wesley in the kitchen with half his face covered in flour. He looked like two face, but stupid. I asked him why he had flour all over half his face and he couldn’t remember how it happened. He didn’t even realize it was there. It was only 7:00pm.

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