FREE THE NIPPLE

On our way back from Bend, I begged him to stop at the hot springs so nature could nurse my awful hangover. He told me stories of all the times he dropped acid or ate mushrooms at these hot springs and how magical of an experience it was. He also warned me about the dirty hippies and rednecks that liked to called these hot springs their home. “Han, just stay by my side. The people are friendly, but you know they are weird as fuck.”

It’s a short hike in. I’m losing my breath because I haven’t exercised in the past week. All the beer and fried food is finally catching up to me. When we get there, it’s a massive naked nature party. Apparently we did not get the memo. Has anyone been in a situation where you actually felt weird being clothed? It’s weird. I felt like I had to free my nipples but I also didn’t want the weird beer gutty dudes staring at my finely crafted lady parts.

umpquahotspring

Courtesy of google images

We decide to sit in the scalding spring because it’s the only one with enough vacant room able to seat two without touching someones genitals. We look around hoping some people are getting ready to leave because we can’t really bear the heat. In this moment, we catch a lady with extremely large tits sloshing ’em from side to side as her friend takes a slo-mo video and a bunch of naked hipster hippies take hits off their bong that they oddly brought with them instead of a joint. I’m not really sure how to take everything in.

It starts to rain really hard and he didn’t bring a hat with him so we decide it’s time to stop burning our skin and try and make room for ourselves in the covered pool with the lady and her big tits. He politely asks “Hey, is there room for us?” They welcome us into their pool and offer some of their Mike’s Hard Lemonade to us. We do not drink them.

The lady and her big tits leave and a new group ask to enter our pool. This time they were clothed, but equally as messed up. One of the guys was seriously one of the dirtiest humans I have ever seen. As he enters the pool, we make eye contact. He’s got the most beautiful piercing blue eyes I have ever seen. If he would just use the water to clean the mud off his face, he would be one of the most gorgeous men out there. Anyway, we start to feel uncomfortable in that pool because I think they’re high on something weird and not cool, so we decide to move to one of the upper pools.

It’s just the two of us… finally. We can relax and enjoy each other! Not for long though because a good looking couple comes up to us with his dick slashing in my face asking if they could join the pool. What’s the etiquette with this? Is it rude to look? It’s pure instinct. I feel weird because he is completely naked but his girlfriend is dressed in a one piece. I don’t get it, but we let them join.

We are silent, but the couple is not and they are talking about heavy shit. It’s always fun to listen and I try and not look at him because I know my eyes will directly stare right at his penis and it will be embarrassing.

It’s time to leave as a bunch of new naked people show up at the pools. We gather our belongings and just as we were leaving, I couldn’t help but notice the naked woman sprawled out on a rock. She has blue hair and pierced nipples and I noticed my sunglasses right below her deciduous forest. How am I supposed to grab them without her thinking that I’m trying to dive into the bush? I awkwardly creep up to her and as I’m grabbing my sunglasses less than a foot away I painfully mumble “I think you’re a nature goddess.”

I probably will never return.

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