Tweekin and Twerkin

I attempted to put myself in the shoes of a desperate lover. What better way to try a new cultural experience than right in your city and with just a few mouse clicks away? I never really have messed around on Craigslist much. One time I bought a couch for $70 (it just so happens to be my favorite couch ever) but other than that, I have steered clear of the Crusty Craig. What better way to dive in than to enter the battlefield on the personals section?

Oh fuck, it was just too good. I couldn’t stop reading. I trudged through the warfare and found myself a sure keeper. The headline: “NEEDA BAD BITCH TO ROLL MY BLUNT && TWERK.” Was this human meant for me? Did God send this person specifically for me so I could write the best review ever? I was totally going to find out what it was like to online date on Craigslist. Well, almost. So in the info section, he writes something along the lines of this: “YO I’m a real nice guy, steady job, lots of really cool friends that like me a lot. I got my own apartment and everything. The only problem is, is I can’t find a bad bitch to roll my blunts so I can watch her twerk.  Message me with “DOPE CHICK” as the subject so I know you’re real.”

So naturally, I respond:Screen Shot 2014-07-08 at 1.14.40 AMAnd he writes back:

Screen Shot 2014-07-08 at 1.14.46 AM

Oh, God. As if I thought the meeting up for a “dink” was bad (or did he mean meeting up for some dick)? Oh god, I’m so bad a this already. I don’t know Craigslist lingo. I’m so culturally out of my limitation box.

I’m thinking maybe he is just bad with his grammar and I better give him another chance.

So, I open up the first photo he attached.

And….

Derp derp

Derp derp

What the fuck? This goober is looking for a bad bitch? I was at least expecting some uber-creeper who’s semi-overweight with a double chin. But this dude? Please. Does he even know how to roll a blunt?

So I’m totally thinking I got this in the sack, but then I open up the second attachment.

And…

DIKKK_PICCCC

don_t_be_a_dick_funny_sticker__28194

Image cannot be displayed*

Oh, fuck! He totally ruined my game, that bastard! Doesn’t he know how to treat a nice lady? I was gonna roll his blunt and twerk for him at BBG’s but that shit aint flying with me. I guess this tweeker was pretty serious about twerkin’.

 So, I think I will take my desperate self elsewhere.  Or try another ad, what do you guys think?

And just remember guys, size does matter. 


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2 comments

  1. True story: one of my closest friends met her husband over Craigslist. They celebrate their 6th anniversary this year. And I realize they are probably the exception rather than the rule, back when I was single I tried various online dating sites (match.com, plenty of fish, OK cupid) but by far the coolest people I met were the ones I dated through Craigslist. Go figure!

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