Have you ever had one of those moments that is just so fucking funny that you start bursting out laughing in the silent computer lab or in the middle of class and you feel like maybe you’re going to die from not being able to breathe, or you’re going to start farting everywhere because you can’t control anything in your body? Maybe you start drooling or crying and you morph into this unexplainable being and everyone is confused and thinking, “please shut the fuck up?!”
Hmm, you haven’t? Maybe I’m alone, but I’ve gotta tell you this story.
So I’m in Seattle, spending the weekend with my good friend Chad. We’re both loopy from the Lil Jon concert we paid $50 to watch him press buttons and for me grind up on some black dudes for. The next day, we were wandering around the city and Chad randomly got a call from his best friend, Ricky, who was stuck in Seattle for the night because he missed his flight to Italy.
Ricky is from Ashland, Oregon and Ashland kids are notorious for smoking copious amounts of that shit young folk call marijuana. So naturally, the first words that came out of Ricky’s mouth on the phone with Chad were, “YOO dude… stuck in Seattle, heard you were here for the weekend, got any GREEEENS?”
We didn’t have any of that marijuana on us, so we had to tell that poor little Ricky “no,” and to take his business elsewhere, but we still did really wanted to see him.
The first thing Ricky said when he shows up to our hotel room is, “I scored a spliff off this homeless lady!!!” I’m so messed up from the night before all I wanted to do was smoke this mystery joint and go to bed, no questions asked about where it came from.
So we left our hotel room and walked around the block smoking this really weird tasting spliff talking about life and why he is traveling around Italy this summer. He’s a really cool dude. Super interesting and just about the only person that can be named Ricky and still pull of a creeper mustache.
Literally, right as we get done smoking this sketchball joint, a couple who had just gotten married, rides by in a little carriage. I pretend to be the gawky girl, “OMGGGG, CONGRATS!! So happy for you!!” but in my mind I am always thinking, “WTF, so weird.” Anyway, it gets better because I realize that this carriage is being dragged by a black dude on a bike. This dude is sweaty as fuck pulling these two fat, white, Americans overstuffed with cake and prime rib up this massive hill, on their way to their hotel room. The dude is literally out of breath and he turns to us and goes, “JYEAHH, THE FINAL PUSH MAHHN!” and we look at him super confused and trying not to laugh because the hill they were embarking on was just as steep as this line /.
The conclusion is that I got the best, final view of the white couple being dragged by the slave. There was a street lamp that reflected off the couple’s faces as they bent in awkwardly to kiss and the man riding the bike swings his head to the left as a few dribbles of hot sweat leave his face, panting like he just had wild, jungle sex with about 20 women.
And the whole time I’m writing this, I’m laughing, drooling, sneezing, crying, and morphing into this unexplainable being.