Ratchet, make me some Kimchi!

Just when I thought I veering into the path of semi-normality, I intercepted and changed the game.

I was feeling lonely one day and I bought two pet rats.

That’s right, you read that right. I bought pet rats.

If you thought that was weird, I should also let you know that I only had them for five days.

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Before I begin, I would like to express my utmost gratitude to Petco for allowing a 14-day money back guarantee on all purchased living beings and cages. Who knew that there was a concentration-like camp for pets where I could freely dabble in the animal world and bring them back if I really fucking hated them. Which I did, thank you.

Please don’t even question why I got rats in the first place. I can’t even explain how my mind works because I don’t even know. So when I decided to stomp my wannabe-animal-loving-ass to the Pet Store, the first words that came out of my mouth were, “HEY, WHAT’S THE CLOSEST THING TO A DOG THAT’S NOT A CAT AND THAT’S SMALL AND WILL CUDDLE WITH ME??!”

A) If you process this sentence, it is pretty clear that there is nothing that will cuddle with you like a normal domesticated cat or dog.

B) I wonder what was going through that girls’ mind when I asked this question?

C) Why did I get a rat?

It all started when I moved out of the house on Grant and into an apartment much closer to campus since I am going back to school this spring. I live alone, which I love. Most people couldn’t do it, but clearly, I’m not like most people. What can I say? I was lonely for 2 hours and had time to kill. So I bought a pet. That’s not called being impulsive, it’s called being COOL!

I actually journaled my five-day experience with my rats Kimchi and Ratchet. These are exact excerpts from my journal.

Day one: Today I went to Petco and bought some rats. Everyone thinks that rats are really gross and while I have to get over the fucking disgusting-ass tail, they are actually pretty cute!!! I watched some youtube videos and you can teach your pet rat cool tricks like fetch and roll over. They are just like dogs. I’M SO STOKED I HAVE ANOTHER LIVING BEING IN MY HOUSE! I feel like my apartment is near completion………..

Day two: I read up some more studies on rats and if I feed my rats all vegan food they will live up to two years longer. I forget they use rats in just about every single study……

Day three: (There was nothing this day, I was either too pissed off at myself or I was off “playing” with my rats)

Day four: What did I do? I shouldn’t have told anyone I got pet rats until I figure out I like them. I always do this! All they do is hide in the corner and Ratchet won’t let me pick her up and Kimchi just is weird. What happened?! They were so cool the first day but now they suck and I don’t want to spend any time with them because they are so boring and I’m sure if I give it time they will warm up to me, but I don’t like their tails and the way they crawl is creepy. I really should have gotten the mice so I didn’t actually have to pick them up and play with them… I could just laugh at them flipping each other around in the wheel. What did I DO. I wonder if I can take them back or sell everything on Craigslist. I spent so much money on them! Ugh…………..

Day five: Today I went up to Baker with Nikki. I was supposed to meet her at 7 to head up to the mountain but woke up to the worst scene ever of Ratchet escaping the cage!!! It was like a mirror cat moment when we locked eyes and my heart skipped a beat, but not in a good way. I spent the next half hour running around my apartment hearing rat squeals and that fucking tail is just so fucking gross! I want to kill myself for having bought these disgusting creatures. It was the worst moment of my life having to figure out how to hold Ratchet and put her back in the cage. I was late to the mountain and Nikki wouldn’t stop laughing at me. I called Petco and they said they have a 14 day money back guarantee. IM NEVER GETTING A PET NEVER EVER AGAIN.

I mean, the journal entries explain the situation perfectly. There is really nothing more to say.

On day five, Nikki was nice enough to help me get my rats and their disgusting cage boxed up and I took everything with my receipt in hand to the pet store. They actually took everything back, no questions.

Corporations are weird.

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