Once upon a time,I was a sexy carrot. Many of you may find yourself asking, “How can a carrot be sexy?” Did you know that carrots are high in vitamin A? This means that they are good on the eyes. I definitely gave everyone a vitamin A explosion of un-fucking credible root-vegetable sexiness when I decided to be a carrot for Halloween this past year.
Right there baby, put me in that salad and shake it. Crunch crunch. You’ll eat it and you’ll like it.
Of course, being the sexy root vegetable that I was, I clearly thought I would come home with a lucky winner who got to tell all his friends, “I went home with a carrot last night. I pulled her roots out!” Sadly, no one pulled me out of the ground that night, but it doesn’t go without a story.
It all started with a bottle of Burnetts, which in retrospect, kind of makes me realize why no one tugged my roots from the beginning. But anyway, it started with an $8 bottle and my ability to chug vodka like a sorority girl gone wild (been there, done that.) Anyway, I still managed to make it down to the bars that night and unfortunately, that’s when the drought occurred.
I ordered my first beer and freshly confident with my beverage in hand, my heart stops. Across the room I see a potato. I kid you not, someone was dressed as another root vegetable. Lucky for me, he was good looking, (but lets get real, I would have had my way with that potato either way…) I took a couple chugs of my beer to give myself some nutrient-confidence, completely unaware of the beer I had just spilled all over my hands. I confidently went up to my Mr. Potato and shook his hand, saying something like, “Do you have a shovel, because my roots need workin’ tonight! Hi, I’m single, my name is Hannah.” I went to shake his hand, and I gave him the worst case of sticky beer hand syndrome there was. Oh fuck, strike one. His shovel ain’t never gon’ dig me up.
We chat for a little bit, I’m not sure about what because all I can focus on is my sticky fingers and the incredible drought my roots were experiencing. I needed some tender love and care RIGHT then. I wanted his body to experience what a true vegetable medley really felt like.
And GODDAMN, this fucking drought wouldn’t seize to stop fucking with me, when let alone, the hottest Asian chick in the bar comes along. The complete opposite of me: seductive, uniquely stunning, and mysterious. The worst kind of Asian there is. She looked like Lucy Liu from Charlies Angles. I mean, I even wanted her for a second. Until she put her tiny little hands and perfectly manicured fingernails on my potato like she was about to take him home from the market and roast it for herself.
I tried with all my might to keep running into Mr. Potato and desperately screaming, “BUT WE’RE BOTH ROOT VEGETABLES!!!!!” But nothing seemed to work. No matter how many pitchers of beer I fed his roots, the sunshine smiles I bestowed upon him, he threw me away into the compost pile and took that sexy little kitten home.
Maybe next year I’ll just be a litter box.